THE UNDERGROUND TRAIN DRIVER'S GARDEN

Ladies and gentlemen
This is a service announcement:
Due to an earlier signals failure
In the Moorgate area
There are severe delays
On the Metropolitan Line.

The train on Platform 3
Will be the first train to leave
But currently the driver
Is at the wrong end of the train.

The driver has been informed
And the train on Platform 3
Will leave shortly.

And when it does
The driver’s shift
Which he thought
Had come to an end
Will end at Uxbridge
Not Baker Street
As he was fondly imagining.

Your journey will be
As fast as he can make it
Within, of course,
The safety regulations.

And as soon as possible
After you have reached
Your destination
Your driver
Not a little disgruntled
Will be making his excuses
To his wife
And will be pouring
Just like you
A glass of chilled white wine
In his garden.

THE GARDEN OF CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

Years later, when I took a detour
Unwisely, as it turned out
I was more than shocked
To see my memory
Entirely blotted out
By a huge rectangular
Steel and concrete workshop.

And the Forge rebuilt, badly
As a rough brick disgrace
Of no obvious purpose.

The house was still there
Smaller than I’d remembered
And where by its side
Under a grand oak
I had once sucked new grass stems
Paving slabs for car parking.

After that I never returned
And bit by bit
What once had been
Fitted back together in my mind.

It was here in the Forge
Despite my blacksmith father’s warnings
That, aged six
Attracted by the bright colour
I picked up the hot iron bar
In my woollen gloved hand.

Here too, at the same age
With his kind help
I made the thick wire version
Of a wrought iron gate
Complete with real scrolls
For my school project.

And here the smell of hot iron
Plunged into a water trough
To temper it
Imprinted itself forever in my brain.

THE ACRONYMIST'S GARDEN

Green Roots Everywhere Evenly Nurtured
Ravishing Odours Stunningly Emanating Sensuality

THE TABLOID JOURNALIST'S GARDEN

‘GIANT SUNFLOWER SPEAKS IN TONGUES’
When Maisie Dotter, aged 10
Pictured opposite
Went to water her special flower
Grown for a school project
She got the shock of her life
It spoke to her in Polish
Mrs. Smiley, her teacher, said:
“Its amazing!”
Only last year
An onion talked to her in German
“She such a gifted child,
And I myself
Think it is a sign
From a higher force.”
Neighbours say
That it runs in the family.
Maisie’s mum Doris
Once had a talking water butt
And her father Sid
Made friends
With a talking Robin.
Everyone is now watching
Maisie’s baby brother Armani
And it has to be said
That he has become
Very attached
To his potty.

THE SOCIAL CLIMBER'S GARDEN

Johnny and Trish
Would appreciate your attendance
At an outdoor Bar-B-Q
On Sunday 16th July
At two in the afternoon
Dress optional.

Cooked fayre will include
Saucissons
Soused baby courgettes
Fried thinly-slice gammon
Fourchettes of canapés
Crusty rolls
And a plethora of condiments.

Fine wines, ales and other imbibements
Will be served
From our underground Cave.

A cherished member
Of our family
(You know who we mean)
Has agreed to perform
A medley of songs
Old and new
On the recorder.

Exciting gifts
Will be available
For testing
Courtesy of a house guest
From the world of television.

THE MAGICIAN'S GARDEN

You’ll have fun in my garden
It is full of surprises.
Come on - I’ll show you
Don’t be afraid
I’ll lead you down the garden path.
Would you like to see my rabbits?
They are around here somewhere.
Oh, and those are the hammocks
Where my lovely assistant
Takes her rest after being sawn in half.
Shall we put some bunting up?
Would you like to see my shed?
I’ll just shut the door
And cover it with this golden sheet
Where have you gone?
You’ve disappeared.
Let’s have a glass of wine
Here’s the bottle
And another
And another
Why do you keep your coins
Behind your ear?
You ought to be more careful.
Shall we play cards?
I’ll just shuffle them.
Oops – don’t scream
Its just my white doves.
Oh look, a storm’s brewing
Don’t worry
Its just a flash of …

A SEASIDE GARDEN

Standing in ****'s kitchen doorway
Suddenly seeing the garden as a Greek theatre
Friends gathered on the stage
Come together as always
Once a year
To parade in costume
With wine and gossip flowing through their veins
Glanced here and there by memories
Of those no longer there.
And above them the flower garden
Sweeping upwards to the churchyard beyond
Where lie buried
The known unknown
And the unknown famous
While below, the living audience of hollyhock, lupin,
Camelia, bergamot, magnolia and a hundred others
They too costumed for amusement.

THE GIANT'S GARDEN

No beans
Nothing tall
But it has to be long
Really long

And no lawn
I’ve read Gulliver’s Travels
I know what happens

And just for the record
I don’t keep a pet
In my pocket

Thank you.

THE TIME TRAVELLER'S GARDEN

My first journey had to be spot on time-wise
Otherwise I would not have been able
To return to my exact starting point.

You notice that I didn’t say placewise
It is just that my particular vehicle
Only deals with time – not space.

So however far I go forward, or back
I am always in the same place.

My chosen mode of transport
Is mobile in the sense that
I can put it in the back of my van

And travel that way
Anywhere I like.

As you can imagine
I am in great demand

Especially from archaeologists
And the forces of law and order
In fact I often turn work away.

What you have read so far
Will probably make you want
To ask me lots of questions.

Sorry, I’m can’t answer them
I simply don’t have the time.

THE ROMAN GENERAL'S GARDEN

A straight central pathway
Is an essential.

Broad enough for centurions
Marching two abreast.

Strongly tamped
And well metalled.

Land on the side must be kept clear
To prevent ambush.

Springs and boreholes
Will provide water.

Stocks of marching rations
Will be allocated

(here writing on the stone fragment ends)

THE FOOTBALL REFEREE'S GARDEN

We met during the France v Portugal game
At the 2010 World Cup
I was the ref and he was the linesman

We played together in a later game
When our roles were reversed

I think we are together
Because we are opposites

He thinks I let people
Get away with too much

I think (secretly of course)
He interferes too much

He thinks his love of control
Is a sign of his maturity

I think my laid-back approach
Is a sign of my maturity

But it works
So who cares

Yes, we have a garden
Where we have a practical arrangement

I encourage the good things
He discourages the bad things

So when we sit on the patio
With glass of chilled wine

I take pleasure
From the long grass

While he rests content
That the slugs
Have been red-carded

When friends come over
They congratulate us

Our garden, they say
Has harmony and grace

From time to time
Something unexpected happens

A much loved plant
Suffers some damage

Needing a visit to the greenhouse
For a bit of tender loving care

And the garden
Has to carry on without it

All of time for man
Is a step into the unknown
Awaiting the final whistle

But the beauty of our garden
Is that it will always have extra time
With no penalty

THE GARDEN OF ARTISTIC RECEIVED WISDOM

My garden concept
Is what I call
Juxtapositive

The task you have
Is to accept my
Innovatiousnicity

We all have a duty
To understand the need for
Superficialism

We have to walk the path
Of ever diminishing circles
Self-believingly

When you visit my garden
You will feel
Emptiality

I however know
That I have achieved
Banalitiation

Your Summer of discontent
Will be followed by my Winter of
Inconsequenciability

The flowers that blossom
Will convince you of my
Necessinevitabilitiness

THE ASSET STRIPPER'S GARDEN

“I have rarely see such a beautiful garden.”
Said the asset stripper, on his post-bid visit.
And as he spoke his Gantt Chart mind
Had already set in train the wrecking ball.

The gardeners, lined up respectfully, caps in hand,
Despite the trepidation in their hearts
Each received a caring smile
And a word of praise for their handiwork.

‘Inconsequential dinosaurs.’
Is the judgment passed in his mind.
In the dead of night the bulldozers will strike
And centuries of love and craft will fill the skips.

The ‘agents’ manning the phones
In the call centre barracks built on the site
Will not be permitted plants at workstations.

While working long shifts
For CAMELIA INSURANCE plc.

THE MANAGER'S GARDEN

First, as well as my PA
I need an Executive Officer
Resources are short
And we must institute
The most cost-effective
Management structure

Second, to examine the process
I need a Consultant
Who, using an American Book
Will make recommendations
About our systems of service delivery
And communication.

This will free me up
To develop an overview
From the confines of my office.

Rationalisation will me necessary
To get rid of weeds and awkward plants
So that the ground can be cleared for planting.

A minor inconvenience
Has been an unexpected
Round of cuts
Demanded from the Big House.

So some of the garden
Will have to be concreted over
Although an attractive feature
From a shortlist
Will be consulted on.

I want to make it clear
That the old plants
Have done a sturdy job.

But this has to be a modern garden
Fit for modern times
So they will have to be relocated
Or rooted up.

Unfortunately
I will not be able to see my creation
In all its mature glory


For I have been given an opportunity
By another Big House
To apply my valuable skills

To a new challenge
In a new garden scenario
Where there is need for urgent reform.

THE ANGEL'S GARDEN (Version 2)

When you walk in an angel’s garden
You see what you want to see,
Everything fits your image of perfection.

Yet more …

You begin to see what you have not yet imagined
Each sight excites new visions
Whose shapes and colours merge wondrously.

Yet more …

As delight enwraps you
The vision becomes a dream
Which absorbs you.

Yet more …

With the dream
The angel appears
To touch you with peace.

Yet more …

When you wake from the dream
All you see from then on
Will be a garden.

Your garden.

THE ANGEL'S GARDEN (Version 1)

As you can imagine
This is a garden
Where all is harmony.

Wasps and children co-exist.
And weeds exercise restraint.

If apples fall
They avoid worms
As well as people’s heads.

If species really must fight each other
They go next door to do it.

There is of course
No insecticide

Neither does frost
Or too hot sun
Interfere with daily life.

But when the angel
Is called away
To another job …

Boy, is there trouble!

THE GOLDFISH'S GARDEN

My garden has to be encased
In a massive glass dome
Open at the top
(That really is a must).

A lot of underwater plants
And rocks, statues - and a bridge.
The whole construction
Has to be on a ledge

Half-way up a mountain
With a panorama view
Of the valley.

It is very important
That the water
Is constantly refreshed.

So the head gardener
Must have a very big bucket
Half the size of the dome

And he has to water it from the top
A diver should be employed
In case of emergencies.

In the event of algae build-up
A reservoir tank
Will be required,

For occupant evacuation purposes
While cleaning is carried out
And water is being replenished.

Finally, multi-coloured food flakes
Must be left floating on the lake’s surface
At least once per day.

THE GOVERNMENT MINISTER'S GARDEN

First of all John,
I want the theme of the garden
To be absolutely clear.

It is important that people visit it
And feel represented by it.

No, I don’t accept that John.
The flowers have not died.

We are in a planned process
Of replanting.

Yes, there is still more to do.
But don’t overlook what we have achieved
Since we took the garden over.

And you’ll remember John
Just what a state it was in
After the last owner had neglected it.

A great deal of money
Has been set aside for it
And that is why John
We are fully committed
To make this garden a success.

Again John, I don’t accept that.
This garden has been a partnership
From Day One.

No John, staff cuts is not an issue.
Overall there will be no net loss.
What we are talking about here John
Is new challenges, a demand for new skills.

Look John, when work is completed
This garden will be a showpiece.
A cutting-edge example
Of what an old concept and new technology
Coupled with imaginative working practices
Can achieve.

No John, I can’t give a guarantee
That there will be flowers, as such.
But John, think of the labour costs,
The time needed, the competing priorities.

If we were to rest on our laurels (so to speak)
And turn our backs
On much needed reform …

John, if you ask me a question
Please allow me the courtesy
To answer it.

Yes John, the new garden life experience project
Will indeed have a roof,
But do you not see
That this will allow us
To avoid unnecessary elemental configurations
Which if left untackled
Would interfere with our climate control mechanisms.

John, let me give you this pledge:
By ensuring that each one
Of our family garden experiences
Has a on-line Casino opportunity booth
We will be able to dispense
With entrance fees
And John, yes, we do have the mechanism
To partnership-fund the whole operation.

Thank you John.

THE DICTATOR'S GARDEN

“Let a thousand flowers bloom!
AS LONG AS THEY ARE ALLIN MY FRONT GARDEN!”

Garden staff are under strict instructions
To remove every plant which is not performing
As well as it should be, according to the rules of the garden.

It is strictly forbidden for the public to enter.
“This is my garden! For my pleasure only!”

Birds and bees are to be encouraged
But only at their allotted hours.

No flowering is allowed
In anything other
Than the requisite colours.

Only national rain is permitted.
Rain from fast-travelling clouds
Will be presumed to be foreign
And as such – banned.

At first hint of such clouds the groundsheet procedure will be implemented.

Any children’s balls coming over the walls will be punctured immediately.

Grass is not permitted. It is not one of our national colours.

All flower beds are to be in the shape of The National Emblem.

All bushes and hedges are to be trimmed at dawn
To preserve their representation of the Leader’s person.

When the Leader is in residence
All garden staff will be blindfolded

They will perform their duties
Under the guidance of the Leader’s Personal Guard.

Cats which stray into the garden are welcome at all times
They are creatures of the Divine and must be protected at all times.

THE WORM'S GARDEN

What do I need
From ‘up above’?
That world is dangerous.
The evil ones strut its stage.
Their huge eyes always focussed,
Their giant beaks and claws always ready.

Below, is a fabulous world.
Anyone who has witnessed
A centipede at speed
Or the scent of broken soil
Can never yearn
For that other world.

Yet some, exposed
By the random attack
Of the spade or fork
Succumb to the light,
The heavy air,
The lure of the unknown

Yet are picked off
By man’s friend the Robin
Hypocritically
Boasting on a stump.

No, down here
We have it rich.
Each day a new delight
More earth to chew
Prizes and surprises
In the upturned soil

A mole or ant hill
The challenge of clay or chalk
Exercise for the satisfied.
And if we are cut in half
By a thrust of man
We repair ourselves
Allied with the lizard
With a severed leg.

Our life below
Is a miracle
That grander creatures
Can only dream of.

THE GNOME'S GARDEN

Centuries of opprobrium
Had taken their toll.
Vilification and sarcasm
Had eaten my soul.

Exhausted
I sought a tranquil place
Where poking faces
Toothy sneers
And raucous laughter
Faded into distant memory.

And here I have it.
My new garden
Is a haven
Where leaves and petals
Grow wild and eccentric

No lawnmower, dog or boy
To cause me fear
Only the early birds
The midday basking cats
And familiars of the night
Sing and purr and snuffle
And keep our secrets.