THE UNDERGROUND TRAIN DRIVER'S GARDEN

Ladies and gentlemen
This is a service announcement:
Due to an earlier signals failure
In the Moorgate area
There are severe delays
On the Metropolitan Line.

The train on Platform 3
Will be the first train to leave
But currently the driver
Is at the wrong end of the train.

The driver has been informed
And the train on Platform 3
Will leave shortly.

And when it does
The driver’s shift
Which he thought
Had come to an end
Will end at Uxbridge
Not Baker Street
As he was fondly imagining.

Your journey will be
As fast as he can make it
Within, of course,
The safety regulations.

And as soon as possible
After you have reached
Your destination
Your driver
Not a little disgruntled
Will be making his excuses
To his wife
And will be pouring
Just like you
A glass of chilled white wine
In his garden.

THE GARDEN OF CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

Years later, when I took a detour
Unwisely, as it turned out
I was more than shocked
To see my memory
Entirely blotted out
By a huge rectangular
Steel and concrete workshop.

And the Forge rebuilt, badly
As a rough brick disgrace
Of no obvious purpose.

The house was still there
Smaller than I’d remembered
And where by its side
Under a grand oak
I had once sucked new grass stems
Paving slabs for car parking.

After that I never returned
And bit by bit
What once had been
Fitted back together in my mind.

It was here in the Forge
Despite my blacksmith father’s warnings
That, aged six
Attracted by the bright colour
I picked up the hot iron bar
In my woollen gloved hand.

Here too, at the same age
With his kind help
I made the thick wire version
Of a wrought iron gate
Complete with real scrolls
For my school project.

And here the smell of hot iron
Plunged into a water trough
To temper it
Imprinted itself forever in my brain.

THE ACRONYMIST'S GARDEN

Green Roots Everywhere Evenly Nurtured
Ravishing Odours Stunningly Emanating Sensuality

THE TABLOID JOURNALIST'S GARDEN

‘GIANT SUNFLOWER SPEAKS IN TONGUES’
When Maisie Dotter, aged 10
Pictured opposite
Went to water her special flower
Grown for a school project
She got the shock of her life
It spoke to her in Polish
Mrs. Smiley, her teacher, said:
“Its amazing!”
Only last year
An onion talked to her in German
“She such a gifted child,
And I myself
Think it is a sign
From a higher force.”
Neighbours say
That it runs in the family.
Maisie’s mum Doris
Once had a talking water butt
And her father Sid
Made friends
With a talking Robin.
Everyone is now watching
Maisie’s baby brother Armani
And it has to be said
That he has become
Very attached
To his potty.

THE SOCIAL CLIMBER'S GARDEN

Johnny and Trish
Would appreciate your attendance
At an outdoor Bar-B-Q
On Sunday 16th July
At two in the afternoon
Dress optional.

Cooked fayre will include
Saucissons
Soused baby courgettes
Fried thinly-slice gammon
Fourchettes of canapés
Crusty rolls
And a plethora of condiments.

Fine wines, ales and other imbibements
Will be served
From our underground Cave.

A cherished member
Of our family
(You know who we mean)
Has agreed to perform
A medley of songs
Old and new
On the recorder.

Exciting gifts
Will be available
For testing
Courtesy of a house guest
From the world of television.

THE MAGICIAN'S GARDEN

You’ll have fun in my garden
It is full of surprises.
Come on - I’ll show you
Don’t be afraid
I’ll lead you down the garden path.
Would you like to see my rabbits?
They are around here somewhere.
Oh, and those are the hammocks
Where my lovely assistant
Takes her rest after being sawn in half.
Shall we put some bunting up?
Would you like to see my shed?
I’ll just shut the door
And cover it with this golden sheet
Where have you gone?
You’ve disappeared.
Let’s have a glass of wine
Here’s the bottle
And another
And another
Why do you keep your coins
Behind your ear?
You ought to be more careful.
Shall we play cards?
I’ll just shuffle them.
Oops – don’t scream
Its just my white doves.
Oh look, a storm’s brewing
Don’t worry
Its just a flash of …

A SEASIDE GARDEN

Standing in ****'s kitchen doorway
Suddenly seeing the garden as a Greek theatre
Friends gathered on the stage
Come together as always
Once a year
To parade in costume
With wine and gossip flowing through their veins
Glanced here and there by memories
Of those no longer there.
And above them the flower garden
Sweeping upwards to the churchyard beyond
Where lie buried
The known unknown
And the unknown famous
While below, the living audience of hollyhock, lupin,
Camelia, bergamot, magnolia and a hundred others
They too costumed for amusement.